The Inner Cognition - quick guide
The initial consultation takes the form of a Cognitive Assessment which articulates the positioning of the client within their life processes. The resulting snapshot of clients inner ‘cognition’ will assist in determining if a shift is required in order for them to achieve their goals and act as a guide to the steps needed to further their health and well-being.
This is done with a combination of ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’, ‘Non Violent Communication’, ‘Empathic listening’, ‘5 Languages of love’, ‘Archetypal overview’, ‘Transactional Analysis’ and ‘Sexuality vs Spirituality analysis’
How does it work?
Personality traits - Archetypes
Survival Archetypes - Child, Victim, Saboteur, Prostitute
Secondary Archetype - Artist
Non Violent Communication
NVC in Conflict resolution - Example
Games people play
To be or not to be healed
5 Languages of love
Sexuality vs Spirituality
References
The initial consultation takes the form of a Cognitive Assessment which articulates the positioning of the client within their life processes. The resulting snapshot of clients inner ‘cognition’ will assist in determining if a shift is required in order for them to achieve their goals and act as a guide to the steps needed to further their health and well-being.
This is done with a combination of ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’, ‘Non Violent Communication’, ‘Empathic listening’, ‘5 Languages of love’, ‘Archetypal overview’, ‘Transactional Analysis’ and ‘Sexuality vs Spirituality analysis’
How does it work?
Personality traits - Archetypes
Survival Archetypes - Child, Victim, Saboteur, Prostitute
Secondary Archetype - Artist
Non Violent Communication
NVC in Conflict resolution - Example
Games people play
To be or not to be healed
5 Languages of love
Sexuality vs Spirituality
References
How does it work?
The primary objective from the outset is to give the client empathy. Empathy through listening and reflecting back what they are going through.
What follows is a developing awareness of one’s thought processes.
This is done with a ‘Cognitive Behavioural System’ of gently challenging and substituting ‘limiting beliefs’ and ‘thinking errors’.
The resultant changes create feedback and thus gradually self-confidence will begin to grow. (1)
Self-confidence is completely fundamental to satisfactory and healthy human interaction.
The next stage is to find the coordinates which outline the reasons behind our current birth and this is done using ‘archetypal character patterns’ and their interaction within the mind and external environment.
King, Child, Scribe, Monk, Hero, Artist, Hedonist etc. are all expressed through behaviour. This understanding allows for increased self-awareness and a deeper introspection into the character of our personality which is necessary ultimately for the development of healthy objectives in life.
The main protocol used is Non-Violent Communication (M. Rosenberg) which will equip a client with a new way of self-expression, enabling them to see their needs as a gift and consequently deal with the world with compassion and without punishment or retribution.
NVC is also useful in a conflict resolution and often seen as vital in the understanding of healthy communication in any social relationship or structure.
In ‘Man’s search for meaning’ Victor E. Frankl describes how he survived a Nazi concentration camp. He did so because he recognized that human beings have a power of ‘choice’ as opposed to either rebelling or submitting to external stimuli, a path that is often due to replaying learned behaviour. (2) Real potential can stay hidden, behind these ‘autopilots of conduct’.
A chronic inability to truly know who we are and what we want from life, beyond survival, can spiral from dissatisfaction and stress into depression or serious illnesses or even worse – into apathy.
A practical exercise of verbal reasoning will allow the practitioner and client together to create a new more suitable identity that can cope and is more of a true reflection of one’s hopes and desires. (3)
What new and exciting purpose can be created when one imagines an abundance in life where all previous goals have been achieved?
These models of behaviour can be introduced in order to access the ‘real’ self. There is no need to wait for a breakdown, a serious illness or a lottery win to move one’s life into an ‘ideal world’. It can be done, it should be done in the here and now. (4)
Trauma accumulates throughout life from painful relationship breakups, childhood difficulty, emergencies, shock or bereavement. Some very good tools to release such traumas include ‘Trauma Release Exercises’, ‘Constellations’, ‘Emotional Freedom Technique’, ‘Predecessor Karma Release’, ‘Journeying’, ‘Jyotish Remedies’, ‘Language De-intensification’ and others. (5-11)
A combination of these tools can stimulate a self-awareness which in turn eases the intensity of trauma and provides a building block for systematic progress. One can then have the satisfaction of creating the life they always wanted. (12)
This Cognitive assessment aim primarily not to keep a client in therapy, but to empower an immediate sense of change in their subliminal self-talk and conscious self-expression, also to further an awareness of the relationship between these aspects of self to illness and the external world.
The primary objective from the outset is to give the client empathy. Empathy through listening and reflecting back what they are going through.
What follows is a developing awareness of one’s thought processes.
This is done with a ‘Cognitive Behavioural System’ of gently challenging and substituting ‘limiting beliefs’ and ‘thinking errors’.
The resultant changes create feedback and thus gradually self-confidence will begin to grow. (1)
Self-confidence is completely fundamental to satisfactory and healthy human interaction.
The next stage is to find the coordinates which outline the reasons behind our current birth and this is done using ‘archetypal character patterns’ and their interaction within the mind and external environment.
King, Child, Scribe, Monk, Hero, Artist, Hedonist etc. are all expressed through behaviour. This understanding allows for increased self-awareness and a deeper introspection into the character of our personality which is necessary ultimately for the development of healthy objectives in life.
The main protocol used is Non-Violent Communication (M. Rosenberg) which will equip a client with a new way of self-expression, enabling them to see their needs as a gift and consequently deal with the world with compassion and without punishment or retribution.
NVC is also useful in a conflict resolution and often seen as vital in the understanding of healthy communication in any social relationship or structure.
In ‘Man’s search for meaning’ Victor E. Frankl describes how he survived a Nazi concentration camp. He did so because he recognized that human beings have a power of ‘choice’ as opposed to either rebelling or submitting to external stimuli, a path that is often due to replaying learned behaviour. (2) Real potential can stay hidden, behind these ‘autopilots of conduct’.
A chronic inability to truly know who we are and what we want from life, beyond survival, can spiral from dissatisfaction and stress into depression or serious illnesses or even worse – into apathy.
A practical exercise of verbal reasoning will allow the practitioner and client together to create a new more suitable identity that can cope and is more of a true reflection of one’s hopes and desires. (3)
What new and exciting purpose can be created when one imagines an abundance in life where all previous goals have been achieved?
These models of behaviour can be introduced in order to access the ‘real’ self. There is no need to wait for a breakdown, a serious illness or a lottery win to move one’s life into an ‘ideal world’. It can be done, it should be done in the here and now. (4)
Trauma accumulates throughout life from painful relationship breakups, childhood difficulty, emergencies, shock or bereavement. Some very good tools to release such traumas include ‘Trauma Release Exercises’, ‘Constellations’, ‘Emotional Freedom Technique’, ‘Predecessor Karma Release’, ‘Journeying’, ‘Jyotish Remedies’, ‘Language De-intensification’ and others. (5-11)
A combination of these tools can stimulate a self-awareness which in turn eases the intensity of trauma and provides a building block for systematic progress. One can then have the satisfaction of creating the life they always wanted. (12)
This Cognitive assessment aim primarily not to keep a client in therapy, but to empower an immediate sense of change in their subliminal self-talk and conscious self-expression, also to further an awareness of the relationship between these aspects of self to illness and the external world.
Personality traits (Archetypes)
An archetype can bring an awareness to the power of choice and a deeper understanding of the aspects of one’s personality. Understood together in the context of a client’s life these can sharpen clarity of purpose allowing right choices.
Hidden personality traits can subconsciously make the choices for one who lacks personal awareness; this is until the truly attentive and un-wounded full personality becomes ready through actual experience to take the reins of decision making.
The downside of subconscious life is that what drives a person can be buried, frustrating the ultimate fulfillment of desires.
If the full extent of a personality becomes known and the broken subconscious or shadow self is given up, the individual can ‘de-pattern’ the wounded behaviour of ‘auto-pilot’, move on from the 24/7 strive for survival and grow into the potential of highly developed human beings with higher meanings and higher goals beyond the existence of wounded ordinary mortals. (13)
These higher beings would role model this ‘enlightened’ state and propose by personal example a working routine for the rest of society.
Financial profit as the primary motivation for human engagement on the planet would be replaced by an awakening of the natural dormant aspects of the human psyche, which are joy, sharing and compassion.
This in Vedic terms is called Sattva or Goodness.
An archetype can bring an awareness to the power of choice and a deeper understanding of the aspects of one’s personality. Understood together in the context of a client’s life these can sharpen clarity of purpose allowing right choices.
Hidden personality traits can subconsciously make the choices for one who lacks personal awareness; this is until the truly attentive and un-wounded full personality becomes ready through actual experience to take the reins of decision making.
The downside of subconscious life is that what drives a person can be buried, frustrating the ultimate fulfillment of desires.
If the full extent of a personality becomes known and the broken subconscious or shadow self is given up, the individual can ‘de-pattern’ the wounded behaviour of ‘auto-pilot’, move on from the 24/7 strive for survival and grow into the potential of highly developed human beings with higher meanings and higher goals beyond the existence of wounded ordinary mortals. (13)
These higher beings would role model this ‘enlightened’ state and propose by personal example a working routine for the rest of society.
Financial profit as the primary motivation for human engagement on the planet would be replaced by an awakening of the natural dormant aspects of the human psyche, which are joy, sharing and compassion.
This in Vedic terms is called Sattva or Goodness.
Survival archetypes
Each individual has 4 primary (Survival) archetypes and 8 secondary archetypes although sometimes more. (14)
The primary archetypes are Child, Victim, Saboteur and Prostitute.
The eight secondary archetypes do not usually surface in one’s behaviour until the lessons of the primary, survival ones are learnt.
An example could be that someone may say, “Don’t be childish, grow up!”
From an outside perspective, we could say that this person is fed up with the behaviour of the other who is likely to be simply repeating a pattern of insecurity, unwillingness for introspection and lack of common resolution.
This behaviour could be known as the shadow of a child archetype.
The healing of following four ‘survival’ archetypes are essential for our personal development and ultimately become a gateway to progression into more advanced aspects of our personality.
Each individual has 4 primary (Survival) archetypes and 8 secondary archetypes although sometimes more. (14)
The primary archetypes are Child, Victim, Saboteur and Prostitute.
The eight secondary archetypes do not usually surface in one’s behaviour until the lessons of the primary, survival ones are learnt.
An example could be that someone may say, “Don’t be childish, grow up!”
From an outside perspective, we could say that this person is fed up with the behaviour of the other who is likely to be simply repeating a pattern of insecurity, unwillingness for introspection and lack of common resolution.
This behaviour could be known as the shadow of a child archetype.
The healing of following four ‘survival’ archetypes are essential for our personal development and ultimately become a gateway to progression into more advanced aspects of our personality.
Child
This archetype speaks primarily about responsibility and taking ownership of what we have created.
The ‘shadow child’ has a need for mothering, to be taken care of and temper tantrums may take the place of more mature reactions.
Life however should make us feel uncomfortable. Within a journey of development, life will not always be perfect and the ‘liberated child’ will tolerate the lessons with a joy and simplicity of spirit that is truly liberating.
Innocence is paramount; there lies a trust that basic needs will be fulfilled, allowing life to become a joyful play. This vision is natural to the human spirit yet unfortunately most often discarded.
Even preposterous synchronicity could happen if we absurdly trust and act upon it. This is the faith of a liberated child.
If the heart is rich and actions are without harm, one can be responsible, but play, play and have plenty of fun.
Joy, simplicity, trust, play, transparency and responsibility: these are the tenants of the child archetype
This archetype speaks primarily about responsibility and taking ownership of what we have created.
The ‘shadow child’ has a need for mothering, to be taken care of and temper tantrums may take the place of more mature reactions.
Life however should make us feel uncomfortable. Within a journey of development, life will not always be perfect and the ‘liberated child’ will tolerate the lessons with a joy and simplicity of spirit that is truly liberating.
Innocence is paramount; there lies a trust that basic needs will be fulfilled, allowing life to become a joyful play. This vision is natural to the human spirit yet unfortunately most often discarded.
Even preposterous synchronicity could happen if we absurdly trust and act upon it. This is the faith of a liberated child.
If the heart is rich and actions are without harm, one can be responsible, but play, play and have plenty of fun.
Joy, simplicity, trust, play, transparency and responsibility: these are the tenants of the child archetype
Victim
This archetype teaches a lesson of Boundaries.
An unresolved victim will favour to stay wounded, needing to be looked after, lamenting the past, fearing the future and making excuses to remain thus because ultimately their boundaries are not strong.
We are responsible for ourselves and no external person or situation can have power over us unless we submit to or rebel against, it or them. It is important therefore just how we position ourselves with our view of others.
This archetype helps with the regulation of boundaries and the ability to stop blaming others because they may be a threat and further to admit personal responsibility for one’s life.
“You can’t hurt me” or “see what they did to me”, these are the type of shallow sentiments that when understood or healed, the victim can resolve.
This archetype teaches a lesson of Boundaries.
An unresolved victim will favour to stay wounded, needing to be looked after, lamenting the past, fearing the future and making excuses to remain thus because ultimately their boundaries are not strong.
We are responsible for ourselves and no external person or situation can have power over us unless we submit to or rebel against, it or them. It is important therefore just how we position ourselves with our view of others.
This archetype helps with the regulation of boundaries and the ability to stop blaming others because they may be a threat and further to admit personal responsibility for one’s life.
“You can’t hurt me” or “see what they did to me”, these are the type of shallow sentiments that when understood or healed, the victim can resolve.
Saboteur
This archetype is about coming to terms with one’s personal power.
Fear of change and the unknown possibilities of a new project can sabotage potential progress, the preference can then be to say, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” and even though the change is inevitable the tendency becomes to blame the outside world.
For a saboteur, it may be enough to live within the vision of “what could be” choosing a path of laziness and the preferring comfort over taking action.
The saboteur, on the other hand ,can just as easily make one aware of what one could have done, revealing that the fault lies with the inaction of the person rather than the blame being levelled at outside circumstances.
By following intuition and taking action, self-confidence will build, then with determination a steady runner can learn to run a marathon.
The Saboteur can be a power house archetype, for if one deals with the ‘shadow’ of excuses, it can allow the growth of self-esteem.
“I deserve this cake because I was working hard”. “I deserve that movie because I am not feeling well”.
Lethargy however is a trick of the mind and can prevent the fulfilling of all plans. A saboteur will even try to let a therapist do all the work as in their mind they have tried everything and nothing works.
‘If you don’t think you can change the world, then you will not be one of those that will change it’, this Statement sums up the Saboteur well.
This archetype is about coming to terms with one’s personal power.
Fear of change and the unknown possibilities of a new project can sabotage potential progress, the preference can then be to say, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” and even though the change is inevitable the tendency becomes to blame the outside world.
For a saboteur, it may be enough to live within the vision of “what could be” choosing a path of laziness and the preferring comfort over taking action.
The saboteur, on the other hand ,can just as easily make one aware of what one could have done, revealing that the fault lies with the inaction of the person rather than the blame being levelled at outside circumstances.
By following intuition and taking action, self-confidence will build, then with determination a steady runner can learn to run a marathon.
The Saboteur can be a power house archetype, for if one deals with the ‘shadow’ of excuses, it can allow the growth of self-esteem.
“I deserve this cake because I was working hard”. “I deserve that movie because I am not feeling well”.
Lethargy however is a trick of the mind and can prevent the fulfilling of all plans. A saboteur will even try to let a therapist do all the work as in their mind they have tried everything and nothing works.
‘If you don’t think you can change the world, then you will not be one of those that will change it’, this Statement sums up the Saboteur well.
Prostitute
This archetype is as much, if not more, about the degraded selling of one’s mental or emotional state as it is the selling of the body.
A new and improved state of self-characterised for instance by a healthier relationship can often immediately be severely tested.
This test could almost be as if one were being asked to ‘sell their soul’ for safety. That is to say, can the new principles, the new creativity that has been gained, be compromised by fear?
Fear for instance of losing comfort or friends if we choose a path of truth and integrity.
Without doubt we owe it to ourselves to persevere with this new growth because regardless of how many fall downs on the path and how many risks are taken, the reward is the ‘Maturing of our own Power’.
There is a danger that if the gut feelings are ignored and there follows an inability to jump into the unknown, that success will be missed and the self will not fulfill its potential and could even descend into illness or destructive patterns.
A healed Prostitute may teach us not to share our wounds all the time. The sharing of wounds may get sympathy, acceptance and even some kind of subtle control but essentially it is a compromise and does not assist in the maturing process.
Fate may be achieved by going with the known, but true destiny, fulfilling the potential of one’s incarnation, comes only from going with the new, breaking new boundaries.
Thus, the lesson of the Prostitute is to not compromise true potential for safety and furthermore to transform wounds into power.
This archetype is as much, if not more, about the degraded selling of one’s mental or emotional state as it is the selling of the body.
A new and improved state of self-characterised for instance by a healthier relationship can often immediately be severely tested.
This test could almost be as if one were being asked to ‘sell their soul’ for safety. That is to say, can the new principles, the new creativity that has been gained, be compromised by fear?
Fear for instance of losing comfort or friends if we choose a path of truth and integrity.
Without doubt we owe it to ourselves to persevere with this new growth because regardless of how many fall downs on the path and how many risks are taken, the reward is the ‘Maturing of our own Power’.
There is a danger that if the gut feelings are ignored and there follows an inability to jump into the unknown, that success will be missed and the self will not fulfill its potential and could even descend into illness or destructive patterns.
A healed Prostitute may teach us not to share our wounds all the time. The sharing of wounds may get sympathy, acceptance and even some kind of subtle control but essentially it is a compromise and does not assist in the maturing process.
Fate may be achieved by going with the known, but true destiny, fulfilling the potential of one’s incarnation, comes only from going with the new, breaking new boundaries.
Thus, the lesson of the Prostitute is to not compromise true potential for safety and furthermore to transform wounds into power.
Secondary Archetype example - Artist
The Artist demonstrates a trait of personality which develops when life becomes more than just the fight for survival.
The Artist cuts a powerful figure brimming with self-confidence which has grown out of the positive feedback gained from one’s natural self-expression.
Art is an emotional expression rather than a commodity. Joy, happiness, anger and pain are the currency and its language can be diversely expressed from one’s choice of furniture to the colour of the clothes one chooses to wear.
Please refer to the section on Art and Creativity for more a more detailed exploration of the artist.
Gardener, Magician, Lover, Athlete, Servant, Scribe, Queen, Spy and Vampire are all further examples of secondary Archetypes.
The Artist demonstrates a trait of personality which develops when life becomes more than just the fight for survival.
The Artist cuts a powerful figure brimming with self-confidence which has grown out of the positive feedback gained from one’s natural self-expression.
Art is an emotional expression rather than a commodity. Joy, happiness, anger and pain are the currency and its language can be diversely expressed from one’s choice of furniture to the colour of the clothes one chooses to wear.
Please refer to the section on Art and Creativity for more a more detailed exploration of the artist.
Gardener, Magician, Lover, Athlete, Servant, Scribe, Queen, Spy and Vampire are all further examples of secondary Archetypes.
NVC: Non-Violent Communication
NVC is a proven tool for harmonious self-expression and can be used in conflict resolution both in professional and domestic environments.
As a science of words, it can effectively demonstrate how deeply buried emotions can be hidden underneath the surface presentation of violence, refusal or defence.
It differentiates between evaluation and fact, allows for the literacy of needs and segregates moralistic judgements from expressions of gratitude.
It shows in a practical way how to connect to emotions and express them safely.
It discriminates between demands and requests and further it can identify vulnerability, celebrate the open heart and a joyful sharing of our needs, all of which can significantly contribute to harmonious human interaction.
NVC is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. He points out that a pathological approach to clinical psychology lacks the necessary compassion to treat people pragmatically rather than labelling them or casting them into self-fulfilling boxes.
He clearly demonstrates, using professional narrative, that retributive justice will only worsen the chance for improvement and further suggests techniques to deal with abuse and violence in a Non-Violent or compassionate way.
NVC can transform our view of anger, bullying, abuse and violence, realising it as a ‘mismanaged’ expression of needs and preferences and further providing practical tools for healing this dysfunction.
NVC clearly discriminates between needs and strategies. (15)
NVC system of self-expression: 1. Observation 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Request
NVC is a proven tool for harmonious self-expression and can be used in conflict resolution both in professional and domestic environments.
As a science of words, it can effectively demonstrate how deeply buried emotions can be hidden underneath the surface presentation of violence, refusal or defence.
It differentiates between evaluation and fact, allows for the literacy of needs and segregates moralistic judgements from expressions of gratitude.
It shows in a practical way how to connect to emotions and express them safely.
It discriminates between demands and requests and further it can identify vulnerability, celebrate the open heart and a joyful sharing of our needs, all of which can significantly contribute to harmonious human interaction.
NVC is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. He points out that a pathological approach to clinical psychology lacks the necessary compassion to treat people pragmatically rather than labelling them or casting them into self-fulfilling boxes.
He clearly demonstrates, using professional narrative, that retributive justice will only worsen the chance for improvement and further suggests techniques to deal with abuse and violence in a Non-Violent or compassionate way.
NVC can transform our view of anger, bullying, abuse and violence, realising it as a ‘mismanaged’ expression of needs and preferences and further providing practical tools for healing this dysfunction.
NVC clearly discriminates between needs and strategies. (15)
NVC system of self-expression: 1. Observation 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Request
Example of NVC in conflict resolution
A Marriage with 39 years of unresolved conflict.
During the first year of marriage, the wife had considerably overspent causing the husband to take full control of all further financial dealings. This situation caused a great deal of ongoing frustration for both parties, no solution to their disharmony was found in the following 39 years.
The Dialogue:
“She is a lovely woman, wonderful mother and wonderful wife, but when it comes to money she is totally irresponsible”.
“That’s unfair!”
“We are just two different people and we won’t be able to change this”.
“He doesn’t want me to spend any money”.
“That’s ridiculous”.
“He is just like his father; they both have a depression mentality when it comes to money”.
Rosenberg’s intervention - Speaking to the husband he tried to discover the core need behind his action:
“Are you saying that you are feeling frightened and want to make sure that your family is protected economically?”
Husband: “That is exactly what I am saying”.
However, the husband’s strategy to protect the needs of the couple did not take into account the needs of the wife.
His wife on the other hand was unable to see the motivations, feelings and needs behind his desire to restrict her financially; she thus just demonised his actions as cheap and controlling.
The wife being completely financially dis-empowered required urgent empathy from Rosenberg:
“So, it really hurts when you hear a criticism?”, “You really need to be trusted?”
However, she had not been in receipt of empathy for many years and thus it took some time for her to process and release her own pain before she could acknowledge the needs and feelings of her husband.
Rosenberg then gently enquired from the wife about her feelings and needs:
She pleaded “Just because I overspent on a cheque book years ago, it doesn’t mean that I would do it again”.
The husband jumped in: “Yes, but we could be out of money by then”.
Rosenberg stepped in: “Excuse me!” he said to the husband and then addressed the wife:
“So, you are feeling really frustrated and if I hear you correctly, you have a need to be trusted in handling money”.
“Yes!”, the answer was immediate and spontaneous.
The husband interrupted that “we would be out of money by then!”
Thus the husband also required emergency empathy. Rosenberg spent some time comforting him, encouraging him to repeat his wife’s needs until he was able to fully understand her.
Both parties were asked to repeat each other’s needs and feelings several times.
After two hours of such guidance the pair was able to fully understand each other’s needs and then automatically they were able to resolve the conflict.
According to Rosenberg, conflict resolution cannot occur until each party understands the concept of the opposing party’s needs and feelings.
For as he states; ‘people have a natural tendency to fulfill from the depths of their heart, the others person’s needs, when they feel they can do it freely. That is to say, when the person doesn’t state their needs as a demand, but opens up their vulnerability to express their own heart, without attacking or making others responsible for their pain. Also, that they are not demanding from their partner that they are the only person who can fulfill their needs.’
Consequently, the couple were now able to finally move forward, the husband allowing the wife to take some responsibility for the financial affairs of the family.
Ideally many years before the husband would have used the following language:
“When I saw how you had overdrawn money from our bank account”.
“It made me frightened and scared”.
“And as I have the need to protect the economic welfare of the family”.
“I request that we cooperate in an effective way of managing the finances”.
Instead and in haste the husband prohibited his wife’s use of the cheque book and thus followed 39 years of conflict affecting the couple with so much anger and envy. With the right use of NVC so much more energy could have been used positively to increase the loving interactions between the couple.
A Marriage with 39 years of unresolved conflict.
During the first year of marriage, the wife had considerably overspent causing the husband to take full control of all further financial dealings. This situation caused a great deal of ongoing frustration for both parties, no solution to their disharmony was found in the following 39 years.
The Dialogue:
“She is a lovely woman, wonderful mother and wonderful wife, but when it comes to money she is totally irresponsible”.
“That’s unfair!”
“We are just two different people and we won’t be able to change this”.
“He doesn’t want me to spend any money”.
“That’s ridiculous”.
“He is just like his father; they both have a depression mentality when it comes to money”.
Rosenberg’s intervention - Speaking to the husband he tried to discover the core need behind his action:
“Are you saying that you are feeling frightened and want to make sure that your family is protected economically?”
Husband: “That is exactly what I am saying”.
However, the husband’s strategy to protect the needs of the couple did not take into account the needs of the wife.
His wife on the other hand was unable to see the motivations, feelings and needs behind his desire to restrict her financially; she thus just demonised his actions as cheap and controlling.
The wife being completely financially dis-empowered required urgent empathy from Rosenberg:
“So, it really hurts when you hear a criticism?”, “You really need to be trusted?”
However, she had not been in receipt of empathy for many years and thus it took some time for her to process and release her own pain before she could acknowledge the needs and feelings of her husband.
Rosenberg then gently enquired from the wife about her feelings and needs:
She pleaded “Just because I overspent on a cheque book years ago, it doesn’t mean that I would do it again”.
The husband jumped in: “Yes, but we could be out of money by then”.
Rosenberg stepped in: “Excuse me!” he said to the husband and then addressed the wife:
“So, you are feeling really frustrated and if I hear you correctly, you have a need to be trusted in handling money”.
“Yes!”, the answer was immediate and spontaneous.
The husband interrupted that “we would be out of money by then!”
Thus the husband also required emergency empathy. Rosenberg spent some time comforting him, encouraging him to repeat his wife’s needs until he was able to fully understand her.
Both parties were asked to repeat each other’s needs and feelings several times.
After two hours of such guidance the pair was able to fully understand each other’s needs and then automatically they were able to resolve the conflict.
According to Rosenberg, conflict resolution cannot occur until each party understands the concept of the opposing party’s needs and feelings.
For as he states; ‘people have a natural tendency to fulfill from the depths of their heart, the others person’s needs, when they feel they can do it freely. That is to say, when the person doesn’t state their needs as a demand, but opens up their vulnerability to express their own heart, without attacking or making others responsible for their pain. Also, that they are not demanding from their partner that they are the only person who can fulfill their needs.’
Consequently, the couple were now able to finally move forward, the husband allowing the wife to take some responsibility for the financial affairs of the family.
Ideally many years before the husband would have used the following language:
“When I saw how you had overdrawn money from our bank account”.
“It made me frightened and scared”.
“And as I have the need to protect the economic welfare of the family”.
“I request that we cooperate in an effective way of managing the finances”.
Instead and in haste the husband prohibited his wife’s use of the cheque book and thus followed 39 years of conflict affecting the couple with so much anger and envy. With the right use of NVC so much more energy could have been used positively to increase the loving interactions between the couple.
Games people play
As we have already discussed, there many well-known archetypes distinguished by the like of Carl Jung, such as: Teacher, Artist, Scribe, Sportsman, Mother, Spy, Servant, Lover and so on.
However, it is becoming increasingly referenced that in common human interactions or pastimes, each of us, at any given time will tend to accept one of three main ego states, the three players of Adult, Child and Parent.
This is a theory known as Transactional Analysis developed by Eric Berne. (16)
Awareness of these concepts can make one mindful as to what game they ‘play’ within a social interaction.
Adult – can make an objective autonomous appraisal of a situation with clear understanding of thought processes, problems and conclusions and do so in a non-prejudicial manner.
Child – has feelings, thoughts and emotions that are being replayed from childhood and usually only from one perspective. Their tendency is to be ‘overemotional’ or ‘immature’. Self-centred playfulness and spontaneity can often distract the child away from an overall awareness.
Parent – often unconsciously mimics the actions or responses of their own parents; however, this automatic management of routine matters can free the adult from trivial decision making.
The parent is a required authority and law maker necessary for survival of the human race, to teach ‘the way it is’ or the ‘way things are done’.
Within a social situation, the roles should generally be defined by the ‘Adult’. If, however this is not the case and if the behaviour is unconscious or especially if the Adult loses control then the interactions can become immature.
Each of the three roles, correctly played, form an essential and important part of the overall play. Awareness is the key component in this system of social understanding.
The idea is not to be perfect, but to be conscious.
Parent Adult Child Example:
Person A was found to be not telling the truth to Person B
Adult response:
Person A fully admits to and owns the misrepresentation and further explains both the emotions and the logic behind it.
Child response:
Person A will make excuses with no true explanation, will deny or descend into tantrum.
Parent response:
Person A becomes frustrated at being caught and opposes the request of person B for an explanation.
The response of Person B to each of the above will then determine the nature of the game being played. This is the play of human interaction.
As we have already discussed, there many well-known archetypes distinguished by the like of Carl Jung, such as: Teacher, Artist, Scribe, Sportsman, Mother, Spy, Servant, Lover and so on.
However, it is becoming increasingly referenced that in common human interactions or pastimes, each of us, at any given time will tend to accept one of three main ego states, the three players of Adult, Child and Parent.
This is a theory known as Transactional Analysis developed by Eric Berne. (16)
Awareness of these concepts can make one mindful as to what game they ‘play’ within a social interaction.
Adult – can make an objective autonomous appraisal of a situation with clear understanding of thought processes, problems and conclusions and do so in a non-prejudicial manner.
Child – has feelings, thoughts and emotions that are being replayed from childhood and usually only from one perspective. Their tendency is to be ‘overemotional’ or ‘immature’. Self-centred playfulness and spontaneity can often distract the child away from an overall awareness.
Parent – often unconsciously mimics the actions or responses of their own parents; however, this automatic management of routine matters can free the adult from trivial decision making.
The parent is a required authority and law maker necessary for survival of the human race, to teach ‘the way it is’ or the ‘way things are done’.
Within a social situation, the roles should generally be defined by the ‘Adult’. If, however this is not the case and if the behaviour is unconscious or especially if the Adult loses control then the interactions can become immature.
Each of the three roles, correctly played, form an essential and important part of the overall play. Awareness is the key component in this system of social understanding.
The idea is not to be perfect, but to be conscious.
Parent Adult Child Example:
Person A was found to be not telling the truth to Person B
Adult response:
Person A fully admits to and owns the misrepresentation and further explains both the emotions and the logic behind it.
Child response:
Person A will make excuses with no true explanation, will deny or descend into tantrum.
Parent response:
Person A becomes frustrated at being caught and opposes the request of person B for an explanation.
The response of Person B to each of the above will then determine the nature of the game being played. This is the play of human interaction.
To be or not to be healed
It is necessary to understand that the Practitioner is a facilitator and can only assist in the healing of a client when they are ready and willing.
The best of Practitioners can make little headway with a client who has resistance to the healing process, furthermore a client could, for a variety of reasons even sabotage their own recovery, their attachment to illness or the attention gained from it being stronger than the desire to become well. (17)
In psychosomatic disorders, some physical symptoms are known to evolve out of, or be made worse by mental, even emotional factors. Indeed, a client may simply not be ready to move into a conscious state of well-being. (18)
Case study 1
One time I was introduced by an acquaintance to their mother as a ‘health practitioner’.
This lady then took the opportunity to complain to me that she had suffered for many years from insomnia and the inability to relax.
Finally, after having tried almost everything, she tried my field, acupuncture.
She recounted in disbelief that the practitioner had, after the treatment, left 5 needles in her head which she only discovered by chance later at home. She confessed that she gave up on recovery at this point…and for good reason.
Taking a closer look at this story, we might determine that the lady did not want to address her real issues; in fact, her ailment was an indirect attempt to reform an intimate connection with her husband. This may place her as a Victim or Prostitute Archetype.
Her real desire was acknowledgement, sympathy or connection and illness was a subtle manipulation to achieve these ends.
Her marriage of 30 years, I later discovered was in ruins with a separation imminent.
She was unable to interact with the external world with integrity and chose to ‘bury’ her safety, remain dis-empowered and sabotage her healing process using the practitioner who left the needles in her head as an excuse.
The Victim, the Prostitute and the Saboteur are all archetypes that can play an important role in healing or perhaps in the disruption of the healing process.
To further one’s chances of recovery from illness and entrance into well-being, an awareness and introspection of one’s own behavioural patterns can be vital.
Case study 2
At the beginning of my career, I encountered two seriously disabled patients who both saw dramatic improvement in their condition following my intervention.
Both however stopped treatments, without clear reasoning, one of them clearly in a state of distress to do so, the other continuing with more expensive, less effective therapies, bringing only short term comfort.
Only time gave me a clear understanding as to the reasons behind this seemingly irrational behaviour.
Complete recovery was not in the best interest of the patients, the new opportunities afforded by returning health were actually frightening, their illness had many benefits and not just the government financial assistance but deeper psychological needs were served by it.
A return to health would require a change in identity to one who was responsible for their own life. An easier option was to sabotage their healing.
Case study of the Practitioner
Responding to these case studies the practitioner could have hypothetically, taken ‘personally’, the behaviour of the patients. Confidence would have been shaken, a questioning of his own skills or resentment towards those that have rejected his skills, may have followed. Therein enters the Archetype of ‘Wounded Healer’.
The relationship of the patient and practitioner is both complex and multi-dimensional; it can be of great use to use the Knowledge of Archetypes, as well as other tools on my website. A multidisciplinary approach has more chance of effecting lasting change.
It is necessary to understand that the Practitioner is a facilitator and can only assist in the healing of a client when they are ready and willing.
The best of Practitioners can make little headway with a client who has resistance to the healing process, furthermore a client could, for a variety of reasons even sabotage their own recovery, their attachment to illness or the attention gained from it being stronger than the desire to become well. (17)
In psychosomatic disorders, some physical symptoms are known to evolve out of, or be made worse by mental, even emotional factors. Indeed, a client may simply not be ready to move into a conscious state of well-being. (18)
Case study 1
One time I was introduced by an acquaintance to their mother as a ‘health practitioner’.
This lady then took the opportunity to complain to me that she had suffered for many years from insomnia and the inability to relax.
Finally, after having tried almost everything, she tried my field, acupuncture.
She recounted in disbelief that the practitioner had, after the treatment, left 5 needles in her head which she only discovered by chance later at home. She confessed that she gave up on recovery at this point…and for good reason.
Taking a closer look at this story, we might determine that the lady did not want to address her real issues; in fact, her ailment was an indirect attempt to reform an intimate connection with her husband. This may place her as a Victim or Prostitute Archetype.
Her real desire was acknowledgement, sympathy or connection and illness was a subtle manipulation to achieve these ends.
Her marriage of 30 years, I later discovered was in ruins with a separation imminent.
She was unable to interact with the external world with integrity and chose to ‘bury’ her safety, remain dis-empowered and sabotage her healing process using the practitioner who left the needles in her head as an excuse.
The Victim, the Prostitute and the Saboteur are all archetypes that can play an important role in healing or perhaps in the disruption of the healing process.
To further one’s chances of recovery from illness and entrance into well-being, an awareness and introspection of one’s own behavioural patterns can be vital.
Case study 2
At the beginning of my career, I encountered two seriously disabled patients who both saw dramatic improvement in their condition following my intervention.
Both however stopped treatments, without clear reasoning, one of them clearly in a state of distress to do so, the other continuing with more expensive, less effective therapies, bringing only short term comfort.
Only time gave me a clear understanding as to the reasons behind this seemingly irrational behaviour.
Complete recovery was not in the best interest of the patients, the new opportunities afforded by returning health were actually frightening, their illness had many benefits and not just the government financial assistance but deeper psychological needs were served by it.
A return to health would require a change in identity to one who was responsible for their own life. An easier option was to sabotage their healing.
Case study of the Practitioner
Responding to these case studies the practitioner could have hypothetically, taken ‘personally’, the behaviour of the patients. Confidence would have been shaken, a questioning of his own skills or resentment towards those that have rejected his skills, may have followed. Therein enters the Archetype of ‘Wounded Healer’.
The relationship of the patient and practitioner is both complex and multi-dimensional; it can be of great use to use the Knowledge of Archetypes, as well as other tools on my website. A multidisciplinary approach has more chance of effecting lasting change.
Five Languages of Love
According to Gary D. Chapman, there are five ways in which people can express their love. (19)
One who has fallen in love will know that during the ‘honeymoon period’ it is easy to fulfill all of the partners needs without any need of analysis. Joy unbounded as two souls join in harmony.
However, this is most often a temporary state of euphoria followed by a sobering of interactions and the arrival of the first hints of dissatisfaction.
Crucial therefore is an awareness of your partners preferred method of receiving your love and of course that may be opposed to the method of giving that you are most comfortable with.
It can be disconcerting that despite one’s best efforts there is still some dissatisfaction in the partner.
Romantic efforts may be misguided, if the partner is really seeking spending more quality time together, a bunch of flowers may not suffice. Or perhaps touch is missing or actions speak louder than words.
It is therefore tremendously important to acquire ‘love literacy’.
These are the five most common ways in which people express their love, attention, intimacy, interest:
Words of confirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Gifts
Doing things together
Contrary to popular belief, a significant number of men, do not subscribe to the commonly held view that they would prefer physical touch as a way of receiving love, they would however rather be cared for on an emotional or supportive level and need to know that they are valued.
The need for connection between partners is overpowering, and deep communication is key for the understanding of each other. Subtle needs for intimacy and validity without such clarity may simply default to physical touch.
Some partners may even prefer the practicalities of love, the car to be repaired or dinner to be served, more than just a physical touch, a gift or a word of support.
Everyone is unique and has unique needs and therefore communication and mutual support is vital for the survival of the integrity of the relationship.
Communication is paramount for creating the clarity and boundaries which are the necessary building blocks for the safe house of a long term and lasting relationship.
If interaction within the relationship remains open, clear, ever deepening and harmonious therein develops a stimulus for individual emotional opening and potential healing.
It therefore remains important within the language of love to check that the understanding of your partner matches your intentions, that way you can adjust the way you speak and express your feelings or gratitude to match their mood.
Also, the deeper motivation should be checked, for doing things for one’s partner out of obligation, rebellion or submission can only create an imbalance that could lead to relationship breakdown.
There are many factors to be considered if a relationship will grow from the honeymoon period into a long term healthy and harmonious partnership. Communication is the key that unlocks all true potential.
According to Gary D. Chapman, there are five ways in which people can express their love. (19)
One who has fallen in love will know that during the ‘honeymoon period’ it is easy to fulfill all of the partners needs without any need of analysis. Joy unbounded as two souls join in harmony.
However, this is most often a temporary state of euphoria followed by a sobering of interactions and the arrival of the first hints of dissatisfaction.
Crucial therefore is an awareness of your partners preferred method of receiving your love and of course that may be opposed to the method of giving that you are most comfortable with.
It can be disconcerting that despite one’s best efforts there is still some dissatisfaction in the partner.
Romantic efforts may be misguided, if the partner is really seeking spending more quality time together, a bunch of flowers may not suffice. Or perhaps touch is missing or actions speak louder than words.
It is therefore tremendously important to acquire ‘love literacy’.
These are the five most common ways in which people express their love, attention, intimacy, interest:
Words of confirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Gifts
Doing things together
Contrary to popular belief, a significant number of men, do not subscribe to the commonly held view that they would prefer physical touch as a way of receiving love, they would however rather be cared for on an emotional or supportive level and need to know that they are valued.
The need for connection between partners is overpowering, and deep communication is key for the understanding of each other. Subtle needs for intimacy and validity without such clarity may simply default to physical touch.
Some partners may even prefer the practicalities of love, the car to be repaired or dinner to be served, more than just a physical touch, a gift or a word of support.
Everyone is unique and has unique needs and therefore communication and mutual support is vital for the survival of the integrity of the relationship.
Communication is paramount for creating the clarity and boundaries which are the necessary building blocks for the safe house of a long term and lasting relationship.
If interaction within the relationship remains open, clear, ever deepening and harmonious therein develops a stimulus for individual emotional opening and potential healing.
It therefore remains important within the language of love to check that the understanding of your partner matches your intentions, that way you can adjust the way you speak and express your feelings or gratitude to match their mood.
Also, the deeper motivation should be checked, for doing things for one’s partner out of obligation, rebellion or submission can only create an imbalance that could lead to relationship breakdown.
There are many factors to be considered if a relationship will grow from the honeymoon period into a long term healthy and harmonious partnership. Communication is the key that unlocks all true potential.
Sexuality vs Spirituality
There has been a great deal of literature published on the relationship between spirituality and sexuality.
In my practice over the past 10 years, often working within different cultural and spiritual communities, I have noticed that this is not always a harmonious blending. My undertaking has been to challenge denial and facilitate a connection between the two worlds, for there is much potency in the combination.
I offer group therapy, mediation or couples counselling and specifically for the delicate subject of the crisis between the spiritual and sexual or sensual world.
The intention would be an intervention using clear and dynamic communication for an immediate resolution. This is more of a trouble-shooting facilitation than long term psychotherapy. (20)
The sensual and sexual realms are an amazing source of creative energy and when one develops a mindful connection with them, the benefits can be great. (21)
The processes of disconnection from this can be a profound part of a spiritual journey, when it occurs naturally or organically. Denial however, can cause much harm, it is therefore important to have an awareness of the difference. (22)
There has been a great deal of literature published on the relationship between spirituality and sexuality.
In my practice over the past 10 years, often working within different cultural and spiritual communities, I have noticed that this is not always a harmonious blending. My undertaking has been to challenge denial and facilitate a connection between the two worlds, for there is much potency in the combination.
I offer group therapy, mediation or couples counselling and specifically for the delicate subject of the crisis between the spiritual and sexual or sensual world.
The intention would be an intervention using clear and dynamic communication for an immediate resolution. This is more of a trouble-shooting facilitation than long term psychotherapy. (20)
The sensual and sexual realms are an amazing source of creative energy and when one develops a mindful connection with them, the benefits can be great. (21)
The processes of disconnection from this can be a profound part of a spiritual journey, when it occurs naturally or organically. Denial however, can cause much harm, it is therefore important to have an awareness of the difference. (22)
REFERENCES:
- Beck A.T., 1991, Cognitive therapy and emotional disorders, Penguin Books
- Frankl V., 2006, Man’s search for meaning, Beacon Press
- Wilding Ch., 2015, Cognitive behavioural therapy, Hodder and Stoughton
- Myss C., et al, 1999, The creation of health, Bantam books
- Van Der Kolk V., 2014, The body keeps the score, Penguin books
- Berceli D., 2015, Shake it off naturally (TRE), CreateSpace
- Levine P.A., et al, 1997, Waking the tiger Healing Trauma, North Atlantic Books
- Bays B., 1999, The Journey, Pocket books
- Frawley D., 2008, Astrology of the Seers, Lotus Press
- Torsten Preiss I., 2012, Family Constellations revealed, Create Space
- Lerner H.G., 1992, The dance of intimacy, Pandora
- Myss C., 1997, Anatomy of the spirit, Bantam books
- Myss C., 2002, Sacred contracts, Bantam books
- Myss C., 2013, Archetypes, Hay house
- Rosenberg M.B., 2005, Nonviolent Communication: A language of life, Puddle Dancer Press
- Berne E., 1964, Games people play, Penguin books
- James O., 2007, They f*** you up, Bloomsbury
- Myss C., 1997, Why people don’t heal and how they can, Bantam books
- Chapman G., 2004, The five love languages, Northfield publishing
- Schnarch D., 1997, Passionate couples, WW Norton & Company
- Zettnersan Ch. M., 2003, Taoist bedroom secrets, New age books
- Radha Sivananda S., 1992, From mating dance to cosmic dance, Timeless books